Friday, November 24, 2006

1 more b4 i go obviously since the countdown to Dec. 10... has started, im stressed, overwhelmed (this word has become second-nature now) and on the verge of killing myself or wishing i could... k i know i've said regret is for the weak, but expressing it isnt, its actually healthy, only when one dotes on it it's bad... but anyways ... i need to continue blabbering about my meltdown.... this test is really gonna kill me, if not send me to heaven at least.. lol i dont wanna go to lucifer's bed nemore ams!! lol (inside jk) i know its my fault tht i didnt take more studies more seriously sooner, but i guess i just never took it seriously until its in my face NOW, and time is starring at me laughing and taunting, giving me wicked sinster hopeless looks. God i'm soooo drab. It's the alcohol, i dont know why me, k im just sulking in my worries, better than sitting on my bed crying at least... god thinking about this test makes me want to cry seriously, i dont know. theres so much i dont know and so much i wish i had learned. but i never knew the importance of them until now, now tht im faced with it, now that im confronted with this devil called grammer, vocabulary and listening.... the 3 evils of the world that destroys lives. they stare down at you and force you to learn them, its like a father beating the analects into his child. thers no joy or love when time is not on ur side. i wish time would come back to me and soothe my worries, tell me tht its ok, ull get through this. but reality has put its dirty paws on me first, it's annihilated every ounce of will and hope i have, its brought me down to face its minion soilders of tiredness, worry, sorrow, anguish, fear, gloom, need i go on, or do u get the point? sorry my blogs arent so fun to read right now... but ud be like this too if u were me, feeling doomed for failure. if failure aligned with happiness, i would welcome it w/ open arms. except it hugs doom, shame, embarrassment to its chest closer than anything else. you couldnt even stick a THIN hair between failure and its buddies. My only hope is for water to slowly trickle through them and loosen up tht tight hold, in the end explode it like stars colliding in space. You know the Big Bang? That's gona be failure and its buddies being estinguished by water, the most calming element on earth and in spirit...... sorry, obviously i like to ramble and talk bubbles... but it does help int he procress of pursuading urself to calm down and think tht everything is ok. to envision water, just flowing and engulfing every crake and crease, as i will through my studies. immerse and surround for hopes or breakage and freedom. ok i think i should stop... tht worked a bit... calmer now i miss the beach, i really do.... never thought id say tht, but i do hope im a water element... tht would help me explain alot about life and my actions.... bye....